Enemies of the Sausage Roll

Now that i have defined the sausage roll, and how it came about. I need to establish the enemies of the roll so that i can combat these in my quest to disable her!

The first enemy is Wind... not bottom wind aka farts but weather wind.

Depending on the direction of the wind the sausage is either hidden or exaggerated. It is the wind that blows at you with the strongest of forces that annoys me most. It makes sure that the top you are wearing, beautifully moulds around the sausage roll, putting her in full view for all to see. DAMN YOU WIND

The second enemy is the actual top. How dare they be so weak. They let the wind mould them! No one lets wind mould them!(In my head i'm saying "no one puts baby in the corner") So this had lead me to be a very cautious top buyer.
No semi baggy tops that will be mouldable... only baggy tops or A-line tops will suffice.


The third enemy is yummy food. Why are you so yummy? It is a well known fact that everything bad for you tastes like a slice of heaven.  So i sill defeat this enemy by finding/ making deliciousness that is healthy. Will post ideas here as and when i find them... it may take a while.

My top food enemies are:
Dominoes - were it not for the garlic and herb dip i may not have made friends with dominoes, but they never let me down and that little tub of deliciousness is always there smiling up at me from it's little hole in the box.

I hate you but love you...

Spaghetti Bolognese - Dear god, nothing is better then a saucy bolognese with a splash of red wine... just to make it even worse (but taste better), however my downfall is the ciabatta or garlic bread that has got to go by Mr. Spag Bol's side.

Bagels - Mr Bagel - you are known to make people constipated, why is this? Ah i know, because you are so doughy and yummy. I have not had this minor side affect which means i have been happy to eat a bagel every morning since birth (well almost).

Obviously she has no sausage roll.

The history of the sausage roll

Now that you know what exactly the sausage roll is, i feel it is only fair you get to know it/ her/him (what gender should my sausage roll be...?lets go with her) better!

So firstly she - the sausage roll - has not always been a sausage roll... in fact i remember when it was just a mini sausage roll, like the ones you get for a picnic from Sainsburys.  She is just something i have been blessed with since birth, ok maybe not since birth, but definitely since my hips and boobs started popping out.
I blame the pill, it does warn that you "may put on weight" however it does not say " oh and by the way a sausage will attach itself to your stomach." Had it said that, i definitely would have foregone the pill for a buba and may well not be writing this blog!

Anyhoozless.... so my sausage has gradually grown and i do not blame her... Sometimes i do look down at her and say "why?..why me?" but unfortunately sausage rolls rarely respond.

So i have had to come up with my own reasons as to why she has grown, and i believe i may have myself to blame:

1) I prefer alcohol over any other liquid - alcohol has many more calories then any other liquid.

It's even got a halo round it, that's how yummy it is!

2) I will always choose a totally carb option over anything remotely leaf based, i still believe that leaves aka salad are for small animals. 

3) I don't really believe in running. I think it looks silly, it's not enjoyable,it makes you wet and therefore smell, therefore i choose to walk or crawl as exercise.

So here lie my 3 problems as to why the sausage has grown. 

I am going to tackle these 3 issues and slowly kill off the sausage! I shall keep you posted as to how i aim to slowly rid the sausage...but i know it's not going to be easy.

How?Why?What?When?

Well this is exciting, first blog post on my first blog...hence the name of the Post. I am assuming that people will want to know what on earth is going on. HOW i came up with this god awful title, WHY i am writing a blog and WHY i came up with it, WHAT is this sausage roll i am referring to and WHEN did i decided to share my timely secrets of the sausage roll.

All will be revealed.

Firstly though, i must say i am not a "writer" or a "wannabe writer" (should those funny speech marks even go there???), i wouldn't even class myself as a blogger...even though i am writing a blog... so you must excuse me for poor writing skills, never making my i's big, simple vocab and an all round shocking blog. 
This blog is what i call a selfish blog... it is not really for the purpose of anyone else but myself. It is my way of monitoring my Sausage roll (most people won't give a poop about it) and how best to kill the sausage roll...but there may be some funny bits throughout the way.

Right so let me give a little bit of background for those who don't know about my sausage roll. Firstly it is not a term of endearment for my boyfriends willy, nor is it a tradtitional Greggs sausage roll (the don of all sausage rolls).

Yummmmm

It is in fact the loveable, squishy, blubbery bit that sits (looking like a sausage roll) on my lower stomach!

Now don't get me wrong i am a big believer in cushion for the pushin' but my sausage roll has been with me for too long now...and over time has grown... and therefore has become my enemy.

So now that all the gory details are out there i can explain my motive behind this blog: TO KILL THE SAUSAGE ROLL.

I plan to monitor my sausage roll, whilst attempting diets, star jumps, jogs (or more realistically)walks in the park, healthy picnics...with sausage rolls - NO that is naughty.... anyway you see where i am going with this... i am going to become my own sausage guru which will eventually lead to the death of the sausage roll!